My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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