Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
