I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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