You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize