The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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