Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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