The maid of honor just puked.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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