I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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