I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize