fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize