Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
