Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
