then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
