Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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