Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
