I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
