seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
