when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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