he thought i was a dude.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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