I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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