im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize