My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I intend to get homeless drunk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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