Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
