Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
