gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
