Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
