I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
