pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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