i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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