I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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