Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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