Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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