can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
