You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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