I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
