In the future we'll all be gay
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
