I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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