i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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