I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
