you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
