I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You took a bar mat shot.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
