i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
