The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We left the knife in your bed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
