currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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