Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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