Tell her she can't have a vagina
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
