I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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