He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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