does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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