if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
