I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
