It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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