I can text with my tongue
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
