3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
